I just felt like talking to you without talking. To write to you without you seeing it. To give you the gift of my heart all in one go.
It hasn’t been long I’ve been alive but already I feel like you and I have crossed oceans and desserts to be where we are now. But in reality, it’s just been school, homework, laundry, cooking wars and countless “What time do you call this?” obstacles. Seems like minor stuff but we Asians know drama better than Star Plus, so I think I’m right in saying we’ve been through enough ‘stuff’.
Anyways, let me properly start off by saying this: I know you ma. I know that I know you. But there are times you’re talking on the phone to people I don’t know, about times that I don’t know of and…I’m a little surprised of who you were back then. I’m surprised that you can still surprise me. But I don’t know if you think that way about me. Do you know me ma? Do we know each other at all? I worry about this and I think you do too. But I’m not sure how to bridge the gap. You’ve lived a life I never had to and so we always seem to be lost in communication.
Sorry, that’s not the real reason why I’m writing this. No. Because what I really want to say is that I’m sorry I don’t remind you that I love you. That I come home not because of the four walls, but because you’ll be there. That when I’m sick I know you’ll care, despite you saying “I told you to wear a coat“. That I usually lie when I know you’ll get upset. That you make healthy food for me to eat and I’m happy you thought of me. That you tell me things because you trust me. That you’re mum. My mum!
Sure, there have been times we’ve fought. Given the silent treatment. Cried and yelled till dad rang the time-out bell. But if not for all the ugly stuff, I don’t think we would be where we stand now. I think you’ve grown mum. I can imagine you raising your eye brow and pulling your head back saying “What?!“But since you’re not here, let me continue. I mean that you too have had to learn how to be ‘mum’ and that you’re not exactly the person I knew ten years ago. You’ve changed. And all because you want to see me happy 🙂
But ma, I have to say…I have to say that our ship is still sailing and it is still a long way till we can spot safety. And that’s ok, because it’s with you. Anyone else I would have jumped ship. But you’re my ‘ma‘. I owe you my everything and my everything is you. I know we’re not friends, because that’s not how Bangali parents roll, but that’s ok. It’s in your awkward pat’s on the back, your weird nick names for me, your over feeding of rice and your quiet way of watching over me, that I know your saying ‘I love you too‘.